Madame Malevolence

I do not think I should be typing this. I'm not sure she would approve. But her name won't be used in this, I've given her the lovely pseudonym that happens to be the title of this post. If she did read this she would know exactly whose typing because I refer to her as this. But as far as I know she has never told anybody about this title I have given her. I don't want to draw any attention to her. But I digress. Love... Liebe, Amour, Agapi, Elske. I have it for no one, except her. Not because of her gender, not because of anything that could be considered tangible. It is not the corporeal, it is the ethereal that attracts me. My concupiscent drive is as impersonal as it gets, it is not what drives me towards her. She is of a kindred nature to me. A kindred spirit. I am markedly incapable of mustering feelings for anyone else. Not my mother or Father. None of my 4 siblings. I see emotion as irrelevant and yet feel it for her. She could have been a male and I would feel exactly the same. I cannot tell anyone on earth the things that inhabit the abyss I call my mind. The void where my heart is supposed to be. Or if you wish for a more accurate noun, My prefrontal cortex and amygdala. I tell her absolutely everything. I have shared my exploits and my urges. My thoughts and wishes, dreams and desires. She remains unperturbed. She feels the same to me as I do to her. At least I hope. It cannot be proven and I am hearing only what she allows me to so I could not verify her statements. But even though that is true I do not care. If she tried to murder me I would not care. I know I make myself vulnerable and weak by feeling this way. It is a disadvantage. But it is impossible to change now. It could be said that I am in a narcissistic codependency with her. I hope it is more than that. I have never met her in person. I met her through Omegle one day because I was trying to quell my insatiate boredom. I met her June 13, 2014. At 2:00 AM. It turned out to be very interesting and exists still. The affinity. I fear that a horrid end is in store though. That is how all things end for me. I have never ended on good terms with anyone, paramour or friend. It is just inductive reasoning for me. Maybe I don't love her. Maybe it is just a delusion. Perhaps I am lying to her. If the affinity is in fact a narcissistic codependency I very well may just be siphoning narcissistic supply from her. I do not wish to ever lose her though. I invest quite a bit of feeling, strike that, all my feelings into this affinity. I have had "friendships" in the past. When I ended them I was as cruel as possible to my friends. I get easily frustrated when I do not get what I want. If I do not get what I want from a friend I cruelly end the friendship just to entertain me. I am always bored and always looking for a way not to be bored. I hope I am not self decieving. I care too much for Madame Malevolence. I wonder if you will ever read this. That would be the catalyst for an interesting conversation.

Socialization

I am poor at socialization. Have you heard the stories of politicians in America, the hypocrites. They lobby for things and act like they care to help a cause. They claim it is because it is the right thing. Like the gun lobbiests. But they are truly indifferent to the actual cause. They are interested in the money to be gained. They are only motivated by self interest. That is me. Inside I am truly incapable of having friends. I care for no one, and am uninterested with making friends. If I am friends with you it is because I am bored and am looking for something to do. Or I am using you for sex. I have never dated anyone in my life. I don't feel the urge to sate some petty emotional need. Intimacy to me is just sex. And if you cannot provide me with what I desire then we have nothing to talk about. All are objects in my world. I, like the politicians, would organize a protest to buy guns. And stay at home while everyone went out buying them. Because that's right sweetheart, I have an investment in stocks of smith and Wesson. You are nothing to me except a tool. Of course people take offense if you were ever to be so blunt. You must disguise yourself to get what you want. Humans are so hopelessly incapable of logical reasoning. They make almost all decisions on an emotional basis. And I unfortunately have to fiegn all the disgusting emotion you want to get what I want. The female sets herself up to be exploited. They want someone to care for them. They look for the perfect man. And that's me, until I get bored with you I am your man. Your a liberterian, me too. You like X Factor so do I. And when it ends, you will find out I don't vote or watch telly. You should have taken the man who told you he wanted to fuck your brains out. I am so malevolent with my end of relationships. Friends or friends with benefits. When I don't need them I am so cruel when I tell them. I try to hurt them as much as I can. Unless it is unwise to be. My family was so concerned with my happiness. They said that's all that matters to them. How do you tell them it is impossible for you to be happy. That you are never satisfied. I suppose this has evolved beyond a diary, so give feedback. How fucked up do I sound.