Strange

I remember the song by "The Doors" called: People are Strange. They really are. People are strange

The Scorpion and the Toad

A recurrent theme I have noticed throughout my entire life regardless of the deed done or not done, the mask worn or not worn, the love shown or the love unrequited, it has always come to a final reduction. If the principle of reductio ad absurdum is applied to any facet of my life you reach the same conclusion, or rather question that you always get from me. Why? Why are you like this, why are you so detached, why are you so cold? Why are you so cruel, why don't you care for anything or anyone. Why can't you take life seriously. Why dear, oh please tell me, why? I just am. It is who I am and just because there is a way that things ought to be does not mean that they will be that way. Just because morality is a la mode does not mean I am moral. And I will never change. If you expected a more satisfying resolve, then it is your fault for believing that your influence could have ever changed my nature. I am not evil, I am the most neutral and indifferent. I am an empty man. I am a callous man. I am a hollow man. It is in my nature to be.

Miscellaneous

I have no idea what I am doing by typing this sequence of language right now. I think I am just watching my fingers type as I enter and repeat so many of the nearly identical key strokes. I would say I am typing at about the same rate I am thinking, or rather not the rate, but am typing as I think and nothing more than what I am thinking currently. As of now I am focused on this keyboard. I am the only Psychopath I know for sure in my life and am probably one with a genius IQ. As in actually in that range of IQ mine has ranged between 128 to 147. 147 is definitely genius level. But as far as devotion goes, I am an under achiever. I am the most uncommitted, irresponsible, apathetic person I know. Nothing perturbs my heart. Nothing can. I put no emotional investment into grades or anything of the sort. I have no earthly aspirations, not desires. I have no life plan. There are things I want to do, and certainly am capable of doing, but these are no more than a hippies pipe dreams because of my unprecedented traits of detachment from responsibility. It is interesting. People have told me throughout my entire life that I am by far the most intelligent person they had ever met. I brushed those statements off as the feeble minded compliments you get from stupid people. I never really cared. They asked why my grades are so poor, why I had no mates, why I was so detached, and I truly didn't know. In fact I still don't. Nothing matters. If it weren't for the fact that I have no wish to die I would commit suicide because life is just so boring. Nothing seems to satisfy. This is not depression, it is hard to explain. It is as if I am too enlightened for my own good. As if I reached a point of knowing that life is not going to get any better ever and the most logical thing any person could ever do is kill themselves. I would be the type to kill myself just because of how rational it seems. I am a blase apathetic creature with not a care in the world. I love one person but even my care for that person would not be enough to keep me from doing anything that affected them or at least had the potential to. I am curious as to what is wrong. Why is it nothing matters. I have left behind many friends before in my life. In the space of a day, I abandoned everyone. Every aspect of my life is a lie, It is weird. I have a true me and a false me. The true me is boring uninteresting, cold detached evil bastard. The false self I have is everything you want it to be, emotional supportive, interesting, and charming. I go between many false selves to even my true self. It is like carrying around a bag of masks and putting on the one best suited for your current situation. I have a bag with an infinite amount of space and an infinite amount of masks though. I wear them because the true me is too terrifying for normal people. I cannot be myself. I don't feel the need to be either. I am not a young teenage rebel with a need for a sense of identity. I am an empty with no identity. The only identity I have is the one I fake. I suppose this is a tragedy to normal people. I try and try to get what I want by any means necessary. I loathe boredom. I detest it. In fact, all my life is spent trying to avoid being bored. To get sex, drugs and entertainment. I have not lived life for anything. Not ever. It is truly a little boring piece of the universe. I wonder how others are not as empty as I am. I enjoy things that are wrong to others. I am living a damned life. I hate everyone, as individuals and as part of humanity. I despise all happiness, and enjoy all suffering. I hate my own family. I hate them so, they are weak minded wastes of vessels. They do not deserve to go on living. I wish I was not so prone to boredom. I would end them myself if I it wasn't something that would get me stuck in a room for the rest of my life being bored. Maybe I lied when I said I don't care about anything. What I meant was, I don't care about anything but myself. And even when it comes to myself, I don't care enough. Hatred, bitter resentment, of a nature so vicious and cruel, so malevolent and rancorous, so spiteful and brutal, that none could understand. Being around people is just a pain. They are the root of all suffering. I wonder sometimes if being so intelligent is a problem. I think my mind may just be so different from the rest of the worlds. At a young age I realized I could not be taught anything. I had to teach myself. It didn't work any other way. I could teach myself a weeks worth of school materials in ten minutes, but only if I was in control. Not subject to the scrutiny and haphazard pace of the general student body. My grades in secondary certainly didn't reflect my immense learning capabilities. I need to find something to do.

Madame Malevolence, The Saga Continues.

It is an odd feeling, being a Sociopath. Being a Psychopath. To be rationally insane. To be an oxymoron, an walking antithesis. I think the oddest of my feelings is love. And my marked lack of it. But for this one person, every atom in my body rattles out of place. They vibrate as if they are about to become a volatile combustion. I see every possible paradigm, every possible contingency that could become of her and I and I know, that not all are happy endings. It could be said that to make a sociopath love would make them more dangerous. Imagine the amount of investment they have in themselves, and imagine what could happen if they were that invested in anything else. They would be twice as cruel as before. I can honestly say that if ever another came between us, I would swiftly show them the way to dusty death. I would murder one million people that did not deserve to die, as retribution for the acts of one misled soul who felt the need to interfere. That is no overstatement, nor hyperbole, it is truth. I have no scruples for it. I fantasize of a life with just that person, My Madame Malevolence. I know inside she is not mine. I want her to be a free spirit, but I do not want her to abandon me. I think that is the one thing I fear. Losing the one person I have learned to care for so fully. She spends hours upon hours in my mind. She is all that activates my Nucleus Accumbens anymore. She is all that is inside of my Cerebral Cortex. I am sick, so very sick. Ill, beyond reproach. I can't care for anyone else. I was born evil. I will remain evil. My love for her is aberrant behaviour. I know this, I have been presented with many opportunities to love. None have ever been requited. I care for none else. Not my mother, not my father. Not my sisters or brothers. Many times came when I wanted to murder them in fact. I would relish the chance to. But not this one flawed spirit that I came across. The one person I truly love. The one who managed to bypass all of the hate. Madame Malevolence, do not leave. Ich liebe dich. Dich sind mein ein wahr liebe. Ich werden liebe dich fur alle mein leben. Ich werden nicht sterben. Ich liebe Madam Boswilligkeit. Kyria Kakovoulia. Madame Malevolence. I know I can't change my ways. And I honestly don't want to.

I see you.

Why do I attract people from Samara, Russia. I may never know. If someone knows, don't be a cunt; reply.

Madame Malevolence

I do not think I should be typing this. I'm not sure she would approve. But her name won't be used in this, I've given her the lovely pseudonym that happens to be the title of this post. If she did read this she would know exactly whose typing because I refer to her as this. But as far as I know she has never told anybody about this title I have given her. I don't want to draw any attention to her. But I digress. Love... Liebe, Amour, Agapi, Elske. I have it for no one, except her. Not because of her gender, not because of anything that could be considered tangible. It is not the corporeal, it is the ethereal that attracts me. My concupiscent drive is as impersonal as it gets, it is not what drives me towards her. She is of a kindred nature to me. A kindred spirit. I am markedly incapable of mustering feelings for anyone else. Not my mother or Father. None of my 4 siblings. I see emotion as irrelevant and yet feel it for her. She could have been a male and I would feel exactly the same. I cannot tell anyone on earth the things that inhabit the abyss I call my mind. The void where my heart is supposed to be. Or if you wish for a more accurate noun, My prefrontal cortex and amygdala. I tell her absolutely everything. I have shared my exploits and my urges. My thoughts and wishes, dreams and desires. She remains unperturbed. She feels the same to me as I do to her. At least I hope. It cannot be proven and I am hearing only what she allows me to so I could not verify her statements. But even though that is true I do not care. If she tried to murder me I would not care. I know I make myself vulnerable and weak by feeling this way. It is a disadvantage. But it is impossible to change now. It could be said that I am in a narcissistic codependency with her. I hope it is more than that. I have never met her in person. I met her through Omegle one day because I was trying to quell my insatiate boredom. I met her June 13, 2014. At 2:00 AM. It turned out to be very interesting and exists still. The affinity. I fear that a horrid end is in store though. That is how all things end for me. I have never ended on good terms with anyone, paramour or friend. It is just inductive reasoning for me. Maybe I don't love her. Maybe it is just a delusion. Perhaps I am lying to her. If the affinity is in fact a narcissistic codependency I very well may just be siphoning narcissistic supply from her. I do not wish to ever lose her though. I invest quite a bit of feeling, strike that, all my feelings into this affinity. I have had "friendships" in the past. When I ended them I was as cruel as possible to my friends. I get easily frustrated when I do not get what I want. If I do not get what I want from a friend I cruelly end the friendship just to entertain me. I am always bored and always looking for a way not to be bored. I hope I am not self decieving. I care too much for Madame Malevolence. I wonder if you will ever read this. That would be the catalyst for an interesting conversation.

Socialization

I am poor at socialization. Have you heard the stories of politicians in America, the hypocrites. They lobby for things and act like they care to help a cause. They claim it is because it is the right thing. Like the gun lobbiests. But they are truly indifferent to the actual cause. They are interested in the money to be gained. They are only motivated by self interest. That is me. Inside I am truly incapable of having friends. I care for no one, and am uninterested with making friends. If I am friends with you it is because I am bored and am looking for something to do. Or I am using you for sex. I have never dated anyone in my life. I don't feel the urge to sate some petty emotional need. Intimacy to me is just sex. And if you cannot provide me with what I desire then we have nothing to talk about. All are objects in my world. I, like the politicians, would organize a protest to buy guns. And stay at home while everyone went out buying them. Because that's right sweetheart, I have an investment in stocks of smith and Wesson. You are nothing to me except a tool. Of course people take offense if you were ever to be so blunt. You must disguise yourself to get what you want. Humans are so hopelessly incapable of logical reasoning. They make almost all decisions on an emotional basis. And I unfortunately have to fiegn all the disgusting emotion you want to get what I want. The female sets herself up to be exploited. They want someone to care for them. They look for the perfect man. And that's me, until I get bored with you I am your man. Your a liberterian, me too. You like X Factor so do I. And when it ends, you will find out I don't vote or watch telly. You should have taken the man who told you he wanted to fuck your brains out. I am so malevolent with my end of relationships. Friends or friends with benefits. When I don't need them I am so cruel when I tell them. I try to hurt them as much as I can. Unless it is unwise to be. My family was so concerned with my happiness. They said that's all that matters to them. How do you tell them it is impossible for you to be happy. That you are never satisfied. I suppose this has evolved beyond a diary, so give feedback. How fucked up do I sound.