Miscellaneous

I have no idea what I am doing by typing this sequence of language right now. I think I am just watching my fingers type as I enter and repeat so many of the nearly identical key strokes. I would say I am typing at about the same rate I am thinking, or rather not the rate, but am typing as I think and nothing more than what I am thinking currently. As of now I am focused on this keyboard. I am the only Psychopath I know for sure in my life and am probably one with a genius IQ. As in actually in that range of IQ mine has ranged between 128 to 147. 147 is definitely genius level. But as far as devotion goes, I am an under achiever. I am the most uncommitted, irresponsible, apathetic person I know. Nothing perturbs my heart. Nothing can. I put no emotional investment into grades or anything of the sort. I have no earthly aspirations, not desires. I have no life plan. There are things I want to do, and certainly am capable of doing, but these are no more than a hippies pipe dreams because of my unprecedented traits of detachment from responsibility. It is interesting. People have told me throughout my entire life that I am by far the most intelligent person they had ever met. I brushed those statements off as the feeble minded compliments you get from stupid people. I never really cared. They asked why my grades are so poor, why I had no mates, why I was so detached, and I truly didn't know. In fact I still don't. Nothing matters. If it weren't for the fact that I have no wish to die I would commit suicide because life is just so boring. Nothing seems to satisfy. This is not depression, it is hard to explain. It is as if I am too enlightened for my own good. As if I reached a point of knowing that life is not going to get any better ever and the most logical thing any person could ever do is kill themselves. I would be the type to kill myself just because of how rational it seems. I am a blase apathetic creature with not a care in the world. I love one person but even my care for that person would not be enough to keep me from doing anything that affected them or at least had the potential to. I am curious as to what is wrong. Why is it nothing matters. I have left behind many friends before in my life. In the space of a day, I abandoned everyone. Every aspect of my life is a lie, It is weird. I have a true me and a false me. The true me is boring uninteresting, cold detached evil bastard. The false self I have is everything you want it to be, emotional supportive, interesting, and charming. I go between many false selves to even my true self. It is like carrying around a bag of masks and putting on the one best suited for your current situation. I have a bag with an infinite amount of space and an infinite amount of masks though. I wear them because the true me is too terrifying for normal people. I cannot be myself. I don't feel the need to be either. I am not a young teenage rebel with a need for a sense of identity. I am an empty with no identity. The only identity I have is the one I fake. I suppose this is a tragedy to normal people. I try and try to get what I want by any means necessary. I loathe boredom. I detest it. In fact, all my life is spent trying to avoid being bored. To get sex, drugs and entertainment. I have not lived life for anything. Not ever. It is truly a little boring piece of the universe. I wonder how others are not as empty as I am. I enjoy things that are wrong to others. I am living a damned life. I hate everyone, as individuals and as part of humanity. I despise all happiness, and enjoy all suffering. I hate my own family. I hate them so, they are weak minded wastes of vessels. They do not deserve to go on living. I wish I was not so prone to boredom. I would end them myself if I it wasn't something that would get me stuck in a room for the rest of my life being bored. Maybe I lied when I said I don't care about anything. What I meant was, I don't care about anything but myself. And even when it comes to myself, I don't care enough. Hatred, bitter resentment, of a nature so vicious and cruel, so malevolent and rancorous, so spiteful and brutal, that none could understand. Being around people is just a pain. They are the root of all suffering. I wonder sometimes if being so intelligent is a problem. I think my mind may just be so different from the rest of the worlds. At a young age I realized I could not be taught anything. I had to teach myself. It didn't work any other way. I could teach myself a weeks worth of school materials in ten minutes, but only if I was in control. Not subject to the scrutiny and haphazard pace of the general student body. My grades in secondary certainly didn't reflect my immense learning capabilities. I need to find something to do.