Madame Malevolence, The Saga Continues.

It is an odd feeling, being a Sociopath. Being a Psychopath. To be rationally insane. To be an oxymoron, an walking antithesis. I think the oddest of my feelings is love. And my marked lack of it. But for this one person, every atom in my body rattles out of place. They vibrate as if they are about to become a volatile combustion. I see every possible paradigm, every possible contingency that could become of her and I and I know, that not all are happy endings. It could be said that to make a sociopath love would make them more dangerous. Imagine the amount of investment they have in themselves, and imagine what could happen if they were that invested in anything else. They would be twice as cruel as before. I can honestly say that if ever another came between us, I would swiftly show them the way to dusty death. I would murder one million people that did not deserve to die, as retribution for the acts of one misled soul who felt the need to interfere. That is no overstatement, nor hyperbole, it is truth. I have no scruples for it. I fantasize of a life with just that person, My Madame Malevolence. I know inside she is not mine. I want her to be a free spirit, but I do not want her to abandon me. I think that is the one thing I fear. Losing the one person I have learned to care for so fully. She spends hours upon hours in my mind. She is all that activates my Nucleus Accumbens anymore. She is all that is inside of my Cerebral Cortex. I am sick, so very sick. Ill, beyond reproach. I can't care for anyone else. I was born evil. I will remain evil. My love for her is aberrant behaviour. I know this, I have been presented with many opportunities to love. None have ever been requited. I care for none else. Not my mother, not my father. Not my sisters or brothers. Many times came when I wanted to murder them in fact. I would relish the chance to. But not this one flawed spirit that I came across. The one person I truly love. The one who managed to bypass all of the hate. Madame Malevolence, do not leave. Ich liebe dich. Dich sind mein ein wahr liebe. Ich werden liebe dich fur alle mein leben. Ich werden nicht sterben. Ich liebe Madam Boswilligkeit. Kyria Kakovoulia. Madame Malevolence. I know I can't change my ways. And I honestly don't want to.

I see you.

Why do I attract people from Samara, Russia. I may never know. If someone knows, don't be a cunt; reply.

Madame Malevolence

I do not think I should be typing this. I'm not sure she would approve. But her name won't be used in this, I've given her the lovely pseudonym that happens to be the title of this post. If she did read this she would know exactly whose typing because I refer to her as this. But as far as I know she has never told anybody about this title I have given her. I don't want to draw any attention to her. But I digress. Love... Liebe, Amour, Agapi, Elske. I have it for no one, except her. Not because of her gender, not because of anything that could be considered tangible. It is not the corporeal, it is the ethereal that attracts me. My concupiscent drive is as impersonal as it gets, it is not what drives me towards her. She is of a kindred nature to me. A kindred spirit. I am markedly incapable of mustering feelings for anyone else. Not my mother or Father. None of my 4 siblings. I see emotion as irrelevant and yet feel it for her. She could have been a male and I would feel exactly the same. I cannot tell anyone on earth the things that inhabit the abyss I call my mind. The void where my heart is supposed to be. Or if you wish for a more accurate noun, My prefrontal cortex and amygdala. I tell her absolutely everything. I have shared my exploits and my urges. My thoughts and wishes, dreams and desires. She remains unperturbed. She feels the same to me as I do to her. At least I hope. It cannot be proven and I am hearing only what she allows me to so I could not verify her statements. But even though that is true I do not care. If she tried to murder me I would not care. I know I make myself vulnerable and weak by feeling this way. It is a disadvantage. But it is impossible to change now. It could be said that I am in a narcissistic codependency with her. I hope it is more than that. I have never met her in person. I met her through Omegle one day because I was trying to quell my insatiate boredom. I met her June 13, 2014. At 2:00 AM. It turned out to be very interesting and exists still. The affinity. I fear that a horrid end is in store though. That is how all things end for me. I have never ended on good terms with anyone, paramour or friend. It is just inductive reasoning for me. Maybe I don't love her. Maybe it is just a delusion. Perhaps I am lying to her. If the affinity is in fact a narcissistic codependency I very well may just be siphoning narcissistic supply from her. I do not wish to ever lose her though. I invest quite a bit of feeling, strike that, all my feelings into this affinity. I have had "friendships" in the past. When I ended them I was as cruel as possible to my friends. I get easily frustrated when I do not get what I want. If I do not get what I want from a friend I cruelly end the friendship just to entertain me. I am always bored and always looking for a way not to be bored. I hope I am not self decieving. I care too much for Madame Malevolence. I wonder if you will ever read this. That would be the catalyst for an interesting conversation.

Socialization

I am poor at socialization. Have you heard the stories of politicians in America, the hypocrites. They lobby for things and act like they care to help a cause. They claim it is because it is the right thing. Like the gun lobbiests. But they are truly indifferent to the actual cause. They are interested in the money to be gained. They are only motivated by self interest. That is me. Inside I am truly incapable of having friends. I care for no one, and am uninterested with making friends. If I am friends with you it is because I am bored and am looking for something to do. Or I am using you for sex. I have never dated anyone in my life. I don't feel the urge to sate some petty emotional need. Intimacy to me is just sex. And if you cannot provide me with what I desire then we have nothing to talk about. All are objects in my world. I, like the politicians, would organize a protest to buy guns. And stay at home while everyone went out buying them. Because that's right sweetheart, I have an investment in stocks of smith and Wesson. You are nothing to me except a tool. Of course people take offense if you were ever to be so blunt. You must disguise yourself to get what you want. Humans are so hopelessly incapable of logical reasoning. They make almost all decisions on an emotional basis. And I unfortunately have to fiegn all the disgusting emotion you want to get what I want. The female sets herself up to be exploited. They want someone to care for them. They look for the perfect man. And that's me, until I get bored with you I am your man. Your a liberterian, me too. You like X Factor so do I. And when it ends, you will find out I don't vote or watch telly. You should have taken the man who told you he wanted to fuck your brains out. I am so malevolent with my end of relationships. Friends or friends with benefits. When I don't need them I am so cruel when I tell them. I try to hurt them as much as I can. Unless it is unwise to be. My family was so concerned with my happiness. They said that's all that matters to them. How do you tell them it is impossible for you to be happy. That you are never satisfied. I suppose this has evolved beyond a diary, so give feedback. How fucked up do I sound.

Rant: The Torturous Tortuga

I am a very sick man. I don't know exactly how, I have a pretty good idea, but that changes nothing. Even knowing what is wrong with me does not matter, I am incurable, incorrigible and twisted. Their is just a piece of my brain missing. I don't miss it but I know it is gone. Pain, now that is an interesting one. I don't feel it in the sense that the Goth's claim to have and the Depressed whine about. I cause quite a bit of it myself. And in turn everyone else responds in kind. That is when I start feeling pain. I am a captive of my self, my own worst enemy. It is horrible being me, but I could never live as anyone else. I love being who and how I am. But it comes at a great price. And I am always paying for something. I have considered suicide in the past, not because of sadness or because I am suicidal, but because life seems, just so boring. And I see no end in sight. An impulse not something I see as a solution. I don't want to die, but I certainly am not satisfied with life. I remember getting into a bind a while back. I was taken to the police station. I was not charged but I had a very long conversation with a Senior Officer. He said things to me I knew were true but could not be changed. He said, "It is going to end up very bad for you. It will end very badly. You don't seem like you care one way or another if it does, but it will" Of course he also thought that I would make an excellent police officer myself. I probably would. But that has too much restriction for my tastes. It is truly unpalatable. I have the mind of a criminal, the worst (or to me, best) of the lot. I see the way the people around me think of me. They know something is wrong.

Day 16 5th Writing - Power

It is something everyone seeks, afflicted or healthy, and humans as well as the "inhuman" have proved willing to do anything in its pursuit. Macbeth was a great example of the theme that permeates every membrane of human interaction and organizations. Not to mention the ethnocentric social groups of humans: Power Corrupts. However it is not true that all in positions of power were corrupted. Some were born corrupted or even disturbed before they began seeking power. Such people have inherent advantages for the task. Macbeth was one of the morally superior before he began his conquest and killed his soul. He was not naturally gifted. But he died with a mind akin to an evil man. What brings us most power though. This is a principle I hold close to the void where my heart should be: Knowledge gives you power over the unknowledgeable. Do not indulge in the useless motivational suggestions your parents and teachers gave you in your youth. When they said," You can do anything you want. Just apply yourself and get the proper marks and everything will be fine." No kiddies it won't. Grades are indicative of nothing more than temporary dedication. One short lived passion after another that quickly eclipses its former. Remember this for the exam and once you get the grade forget it so you can make space for the next barrage of information. Keep your notes for the midterm and final exams. This method of education is not useful. True mental work is all that is needed. Work on your own and commit the knowledge to the mind. Information you find useful in your pursuit of power. This learning method is good at educating you but it will not get you any certifications which are all that matter to anyone. People want something to show for themselves yet are not satisfied with just knowing themselves. How many truly smart people have you met in college and not just people who chased the grades. There are many stupid people to outsmart.

Day 14 4th Writing - Drug Use

I indulge from time to time in the use of chemical substances foreign to the human body. They vary but the one I use most is alcohol. It is of course logical to assume it would be most used by anyone as it is the most readily available. C2H6O is also quite legal. But it is not the only one I use. Alcohol is a hedonists pleasure of course, it mixes total apathy with dulled physical sensation, uninhibition, and best of all concupiscence. But I know that this, like all drugs, must be used at a moderate frequency with significant inervals between its uses. Lest you become numb to its charms. That and its rather high potential for physical dependence. Coitus is another. Most would consider sex an act or a symptom of Love. To me, however, sex is just one of several drugs to stimulate the mind and bring about my pleasure. I will say I am not averse to Nymphomania, or hypersexuality or whatever it is being called now, but I do not see any negative results except for Paternity and Venereal Disease if you are careless enough to go unprotected. My favourite is C20H25N3O. Lysergide. Lysergic Acid Diethylamide. LSD for laypersons. It was the first I ever indulged in. For most their first was Cannabis, but not me. Maybe it was because part of my ASBO's conditions were infrequent 8 panel urinalyses. They tested for these [THC MDMA Opiates Benzodiazepenes Amphetamines Methamphetamines Oxycontin and Cocaine] But not any Psychadelics. And LSD was first to come to mind. It was not a drug used for recreation. It was for a Psychonautical expedition of my disheveled mind. I was analysing myself. Most are not capable or interested in introspection but I had to know. The experience did not change me it only educated me. But I couldn'r argue. For £12 I could get a powerful dose from one of my mates. Drugs are very good things. If you remain cautious in their use and take care not to become an addict then you can live a life with them. I dount many of you can.