Day 16 5th Writing - Power

It is something everyone seeks, afflicted or healthy, and humans as well as the "inhuman" have proved willing to do anything in its pursuit. Macbeth was a great example of the theme that permeates every membrane of human interaction and organizations. Not to mention the ethnocentric social groups of humans: Power Corrupts. However it is not true that all in positions of power were corrupted. Some were born corrupted or even disturbed before they began seeking power. Such people have inherent advantages for the task. Macbeth was one of the morally superior before he began his conquest and killed his soul. He was not naturally gifted. But he died with a mind akin to an evil man. What brings us most power though. This is a principle I hold close to the void where my heart should be: Knowledge gives you power over the unknowledgeable. Do not indulge in the useless motivational suggestions your parents and teachers gave you in your youth. When they said," You can do anything you want. Just apply yourself and get the proper marks and everything will be fine." No kiddies it won't. Grades are indicative of nothing more than temporary dedication. One short lived passion after another that quickly eclipses its former. Remember this for the exam and once you get the grade forget it so you can make space for the next barrage of information. Keep your notes for the midterm and final exams. This method of education is not useful. True mental work is all that is needed. Work on your own and commit the knowledge to the mind. Information you find useful in your pursuit of power. This learning method is good at educating you but it will not get you any certifications which are all that matter to anyone. People want something to show for themselves yet are not satisfied with just knowing themselves. How many truly smart people have you met in college and not just people who chased the grades. There are many stupid people to outsmart.

Day 14 4th Writing - Drug Use

I indulge from time to time in the use of chemical substances foreign to the human body. They vary but the one I use most is alcohol. It is of course logical to assume it would be most used by anyone as it is the most readily available. C2H6O is also quite legal. But it is not the only one I use. Alcohol is a hedonists pleasure of course, it mixes total apathy with dulled physical sensation, uninhibition, and best of all concupiscence. But I know that this, like all drugs, must be used at a moderate frequency with significant inervals between its uses. Lest you become numb to its charms. That and its rather high potential for physical dependence. Coitus is another. Most would consider sex an act or a symptom of Love. To me, however, sex is just one of several drugs to stimulate the mind and bring about my pleasure. I will say I am not averse to Nymphomania, or hypersexuality or whatever it is being called now, but I do not see any negative results except for Paternity and Venereal Disease if you are careless enough to go unprotected. My favourite is C20H25N3O. Lysergide. Lysergic Acid Diethylamide. LSD for laypersons. It was the first I ever indulged in. For most their first was Cannabis, but not me. Maybe it was because part of my ASBO's conditions were infrequent 8 panel urinalyses. They tested for these [THC MDMA Opiates Benzodiazepenes Amphetamines Methamphetamines Oxycontin and Cocaine] But not any Psychadelics. And LSD was first to come to mind. It was not a drug used for recreation. It was for a Psychonautical expedition of my disheveled mind. I was analysing myself. Most are not capable or interested in introspection but I had to know. The experience did not change me it only educated me. But I couldn'r argue. For £12 I could get a powerful dose from one of my mates. Drugs are very good things. If you remain cautious in their use and take care not to become an addict then you can live a life with them. I dount many of you can.

Day 4 Writing 3 - What's wrong with you?

"What's wrong with you?" A popular question among the people that surround me. I see nothing wrong with myself. I see only things wrong with you. I know the traits I possess that people see fault in, I just don't see fault in them myself. There are many to name. I take things without asking and prefer not to ask. It seems a waste of time to me. I lie quite a bit. I have no trust for almost anyone and would rather tell an elaborate lie than the truth even if it is easier to. I only trust and feel safe confiding in one person. I am paranoid. I may not feel the anxiety associated with it as much, but I still do not trust. I have only recently noticed how little I feel for others. I am truly a callous hedonist. I keep friends around purely for the ability to extract some form of pleasure from them. If I had an infinite supply of LSD and other psychadelics, I would stay away from the rest of the world and indulge in the lysergic potion. I only go out because it is essential for getting what you want in this world. I am cynical and misanthropic. Not in any way other than that I see humans as disgusting unintelligent vermin. I feel as if I am above them. A particular event occured when I was 16. I woke up one day and my grandfather said he called 999 because he thought he was having a heart attack. My exact thought process at that moment was as follows: "Big deal. It is about time that old bastard expires." And then I went back to sleep. I never cared or worried. I slept through the ambulance coming to the house and the paramedics taking him out on a gurney. even when the Myocardial Infarction was confirmed I wanted nothing more than for him to die so I could go home. I never went to see him while he was in the hospital after that. I was disappointed when I was told he survived. I still think I am perfectly healthy and see nothing wrong. I only know I am wrong because wrong is so well defined. One can understand how others may take offense. My personality has proven quite abrasive. I feel empty. Not that I am seeking to feel much but I know I am missing a part of the soul integral to interpersonal connection. I hate this because it is always getting me in trouble. I wonder if I am perfectly normal and everyone else is insane. Madmen are those who forsake logic and rationality for things as petty as emotions. Show me a man who is screwing over others to get ahead and I'll show you a winner. Why would a sane man act towards his own detrament for another? He gains nothing yet he calls himself sane. Acting in least rational manner. Maybe they are not for me to understand.

Day 2 Second Writing - Meaning of Life

People like to say that their life has some purpose. That life in general has purpose. Life is like currency; The value is decided by those who use it. It is only worth as much as you declare it is. The value of such things is a man-made construct. I see no meaning in life. I am not depressed, I just know that all things eventually end. And once you die it is not as if you will remember life. I live as pleasantly as I possibly can. I seek only pleasure in the purest forms it can be found in. I am a hedonist. As are all others. They may not truly believe such a statement but all anyone seeks is pleasure. The means by which people achieve it vary, but the outcome is always the same. Humans like to judge you by what you derive pleasure from. People who get theirs from helping others and doing nice things are said to be morally good. While those who enjoy violence, manipulating others, or using drugs are said to be immoral or evil. Humans cannot understand that their means are incidental. They are decided by the individual's personality, one of the things no one has any control over. Saying they do is tantamount to saying they can control how attractive or intelligent they are. Therefore it must be said that all are hedonistic. For none can control what brings them pleasure. The depressed masochist sitting on a toilet cutting themselves is still trying to bring pleasure to themselves. They simply derive it from something eccentric. If cutting themselves brought no feelings of pleasure, they would not be doing it. I take pleasure from few things: Being cruel; physically or emotionally, Being plenipotentiary to others, Outwitting and decieving, breaking the law, and possessing an affinity with a certain person. I know that all of these things, except perhaps the last, mean nothing. I am an atheist, but I agreed with the bible when it said,"All is vanity." Nothing is ever permenant. Life is meaningless unless you make it meaningful. But most cannot get it, and will never know how to. And most lack the stomach to pursue it. Not everyone gets to be happy.

Day 1 First Writing

"I was sick, sick unto Death..."
What am I doing? Will anyone even read this? It is, I suppose, irrelevant. This blog shall serve as a virtual diary. I can't risk these words being found by committing them to paper. I have made that mistake two times, too many. Both times I recieved unwanted attention. And criminal charges. My mind is a scary place for the weak. I remember hearing these words exactly from a concerned party. "What you wrote on those papers gave us a look into your mind and it is disturbing." I am an introvert. Though capable of great and successful extroversion. If I see something to be gained from it. But I generally don't. My mind needs constant stimulation. If not by drugs or sex, then by writing this. Unfortunately, to get drugs and sex, you need to know the right people and be their friend. Few people exist who would call me their friend. Fewer, still, that I call mine. These blogs will probably sound similar to the statements of a suicidal bloke, or a rampage killer. Furchtet euch, nicht. I would not do something so dramatic. Words like these are everyday statements. I am as venerable as a 90 year old monk. I am, however, only a young man. Not even 20 yet. A lengthy digression I shall conclude. I am not insane. Not a la mode at least. I am extremely intelligent and rational. My mind does lack certain emotional faculties. I never get sad or anxious except from one thing, and I rarely get happy. I don't feel guilt, empathy or compassion. I am callous. I will eventually share a story with you to give background, but not until I move beyond this introduction. I care for none except one, and even I am not sure if it will last or is genuine. I hope it is. If not, then I am truly sorry Madame Malevolence.  I was first called Sociopath at age 12. By my own mother no less. I looked it up and the amount of shared traits is scary. Every one. I honestly don't know the difference between that and Psychopath. Perhaps they are just euphamisms. That is the only time I will reference either of the words or disorder in that manner. This is about me not mental illness. I have never lived with anyone who I did not want to kill. I can idley shift to thinking about it, or even escalate to planning it. If someone tries setting up boundaries or making rules that in any way restrict me. A furious state of ire and hatred emerge. How dare someone so pathetic attempt to limit me. And I begin to think of the most evil thoughts that could ever be concieved. I suppose it goes without saying I enjoy cruelty. I hate authority. I can put myself in a submissive soldier-like state where I focus on doing nothing but what I am told, but if orders were given that conflicted with my pleasure, I would be as previously stated. I would make them angry or sad and enjoy it. I like anger more than sadness; There is more energy in it. It is more fun and exciting. I view myself as different from most people. While I enjoy not being a pathetic human, being what I am brings me no happiness. I am just as much a victim to myself as my actual victims. I am a victim to the reprisal for the pain I caused. And even if I knew reprisal was guarunteed, I wouldn't alter course. So there you have it: me in a nutshell. I will put more on this in the future so you perverts can masturbate to my posts or do whatever people who waste time reading other people's blogs do. Auf wiedersehn scheissekopfs.