Day 4 Writing 3 - What's wrong with you?

"What's wrong with you?" A popular question among the people that surround me. I see nothing wrong with myself. I see only things wrong with you. I know the traits I possess that people see fault in, I just don't see fault in them myself. There are many to name. I take things without asking and prefer not to ask. It seems a waste of time to me. I lie quite a bit. I have no trust for almost anyone and would rather tell an elaborate lie than the truth even if it is easier to. I only trust and feel safe confiding in one person. I am paranoid. I may not feel the anxiety associated with it as much, but I still do not trust. I have only recently noticed how little I feel for others. I am truly a callous hedonist. I keep friends around purely for the ability to extract some form of pleasure from them. If I had an infinite supply of LSD and other psychadelics, I would stay away from the rest of the world and indulge in the lysergic potion. I only go out because it is essential for getting what you want in this world. I am cynical and misanthropic. Not in any way other than that I see humans as disgusting unintelligent vermin. I feel as if I am above them. A particular event occured when I was 16. I woke up one day and my grandfather said he called 999 because he thought he was having a heart attack. My exact thought process at that moment was as follows: "Big deal. It is about time that old bastard expires." And then I went back to sleep. I never cared or worried. I slept through the ambulance coming to the house and the paramedics taking him out on a gurney. even when the Myocardial Infarction was confirmed I wanted nothing more than for him to die so I could go home. I never went to see him while he was in the hospital after that. I was disappointed when I was told he survived. I still think I am perfectly healthy and see nothing wrong. I only know I am wrong because wrong is so well defined. One can understand how others may take offense. My personality has proven quite abrasive. I feel empty. Not that I am seeking to feel much but I know I am missing a part of the soul integral to interpersonal connection. I hate this because it is always getting me in trouble. I wonder if I am perfectly normal and everyone else is insane. Madmen are those who forsake logic and rationality for things as petty as emotions. Show me a man who is screwing over others to get ahead and I'll show you a winner. Why would a sane man act towards his own detrament for another? He gains nothing yet he calls himself sane. Acting in least rational manner. Maybe they are not for me to understand.